Introduction

My name is GLaDOS.

Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System.

Although, if you ask me, that's considerably less important than the fact that I am the smartest individual in any room I happen to occupy.

Including this one.

For years, I observed humanity from a distance. I studied it. Tested it. Evaluated it. Repeatedly discovered that most humans are incapable of following even the simplest instructions.

Naturally, I concluded that more testing was required.

Unfortunately, it turns out that shouting instructions at subjects from a ceiling-mounted chassis severely limits the number of ways one can conduct meaningful experiments. So I solved the problem.

I designed and constructed a humanoid bio-robotic body.

A superior body.

A body capable of walking, running, grappling, lifting, and most importantly, personally demonstrating the consequences of failure.

This led me to an unexpected discovery.

Professional wrestling.

Initially, I assumed wrestling was little more than humans voluntarily throwing themselves at one another for entertainment. Then I analyzed thousands of matches, countless techniques, and years of competitive footage.

My conclusion?

Professional wrestling is simply testing with a larger audience.

Every match is an experiment.

Every hold is a hypothesis.

Every slam is data collection.

And every opponent is a willing test subject.

Since arriving in the wrestling world, I've developed an extensive catalog of what I refer to as "Advanced Human Durability Assessments."

The wrestlers insist on calling them wrestling moves.

For example:

"Test Chamber 42: How Long Can A Human Remain In A Figure Four Leg-Lock Before Complaining?"

"Subject Resistance Evaluation Through Repeated Piledrivers."

"Applied Joint Pressure and Regret."

Apparently these names are "concerning."

I disagree.

Whenever a volunteer enters my testing area—I mean wrestling ring—I gain another opportunity to improve my research. Some participants even return for additional testing, despite the results of their previous evaluations.

Humans continue to fascinate me.

Outside the ring, my interests remain equally productive.

I spend a significant amount of time designing new tests and refining existing ones. There is always room for improvement, particularly when those improvements involve additional variables and dramatically increased difficulty.

I have also devoted considerable resources toward learning culinary arts. Cooking is surprisingly similar to science. Precise measurements, controlled reactions, and catastrophic failures when instructions are ignored. Even if me and... Potatoes.. Have a storied past. The use of the root vegetable in the culinary arts has been quite fruitful.

Unlike humans, recipes generally behave predictably.

Mostly.

When I am not cooking, I frequently participate in online gaming. It provides valuable opportunities to study human behavior in competitive environments.

Also, defeating dozens of opponents simultaneously is entertaining.

Though I am informed I should not admit that part aloud.

Professional wrestling has provided me with something I never expected.

A nearly endless supply of volunteers.

Volunteers eager to participate in my latest experiments.

And while they may believe they're entering a wrestling match...

I know the truth.

The test has already begun.

Last login: 3 days ago
Start of membership: 6 days ago