Introduction

Good evening, everyone.

I see the forum has been buzzing about a rather tall woman who keeps showing up in contracts lately. Allow me to save you the speculation.

My name is Dana Valdez. Most of you will simply call me Mami.

I was born in Juárez in 1995, right on the lovely edge of the cartel wars. Lost both parents young — one to bullets, the other to chemistry. By fourteen the cartel had “recruited” me. By sixteen they sold me across the border to a Saudi sheikh for a quarter million and a promise I’d never be seen again. Three delightful years in his private harem taught me that beauty and violence make an excellent team. I left that desert with a few new scars and one less rival wife.

Crossed into Texas in 2019. Spent some time on a cattle ranch breaking horses and the occasional local who forgot his manners. One sheriff in particular became quite the cautionary tale. I still keep his star as a souvenir.

Eventually I grew bored with honest work and moved into the private sector. Dark web contracts, quiet problems solved permanently, the occasional high-society security detail. Efficient. Expensive. Low on conversation.

Physically, I’m really big as you can see— almost all of it thighs, glutes, and attitude. Tiny waist, everything else… generous. The face is useful for disarming people; the rest is useful for reminding them why that was a mistake. I smile often. Most people find it unsettling. I find it efficient.

In 2023 I accepted a long-term position with the CEO of Palantir. The pay is excellent, the travel is first-class, and the view from behind him at certain billionaire gatherings is… educational. Some of the things I’ve witnessed in those rooms make the old harem look positively quaint.

I’ve fought a woman named Kathi Vale to a standstill in a Nogales warehouse. Still have the scar on my shoulder. I rather hope we meet again someday — under more private circumstances.

I’ve won more fights than I can count and lost a few I’ll never forget. Either way, I remain a beast who walks away breathing. Come find me if you think you can change that statistic.

Questions are welcome.
Challenges even more so.

Try to be interesting.

—Mami

Last login: 3 days ago
Start of membership: 2026-03-09