Introduction

That's right, motherfuckers. It's ME.

Meg "Punky" Dow, the Purple Vixen, the Original Living Dead Girl, the Brutalist Artist, the Battle Pope of the Erisian Church of Chaos, the Queen of Extreme, the 21st Century Hardcore Icon, the Devil for Hire, and most importantly the possessor of The Best Ass in Wrestling™.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling opera houses and crushing skulls. I have been known to remodel space stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of oxygen recycling. I translate ethnic slurs for Italian refugees, I write award-winning limericks, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I do the Downward Facing Dog for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike keytar playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Black Forest Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in the bedroom, a veteran in the ring, and an outlaw in Parts Unknown.

Using only a cricket bat and a large can of gasoline, I once single-handedly defended a small town in Oregon from a horde of ferocious zombie pirates. I play bluegrass accordion, I was scouted by the Trailblazers. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build a Hell in the Cell in my yard. I enjoy urban Swantons. On Wednesdays, after school, I destroy overpriced electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a wrestling analyst, and a ruthless oddsmaker. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy panties. I don't perspire, I glow. I ain't got time to bleed, but I do anyway. I receive more fan mail than Jesus. I have been caller number nine ninety-nine and have won the WrestleMania VIP passes. Last summer I toured the Carolinas with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration called the Cesaro Swing. I bring a bat to bat country. My deft calligraphy has earned me fame in international scribe circles. Children trust me even though I keep eating them.

I can hurl Jim Cornette's tennis racket at opponents with deadly accuracy. I once read Have a Nice Day, In The Pit With Piper, and The Stone Cold Truth in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire padded room that evening. I know the exact location of every canned organic soup in the supermarket. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a Yugo. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized the Hart Dungeon. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I headbutt, I piledrive, I do the Matrix, I superkick, and my bills are all paid at the pay winda'. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact everything. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot it after I speared Kevin Steen through a wall. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only instant ramen and a hot plate. I breed prize-winning dwarf goats. I have won swordfights in San Juan, deathmatches in Sri Lanka, and Ironwoman matches at the Kremlin. I have played Banjo and Kazooie, I have performed open-heart surgery with a broken bottle, and I have spoken with Bruiser Brody.

Despite what anyone else may try to claim, I am the reigning, defending possessor of the undisputed Best Ass in Wrestling™. My snake-tattooed creamy booty knows no peer and accepts no equal, and will by any means necessary end up planted on your face in that ring. So be aware of that.

Some of my Pre-Finisher Signatures
(I might win with these, but they're most commonly just to soften you up for the big ones)

The Nerdbuster - a wedgie brainbuster. Calling back to my high school days as the only punk lesbian bully in town, nothing teaches these fucking nerdy bitches a lesson like getting their panties sawed into their ass and pussy as a handhold for me to lift them vertical and spike their heads down. And if you're naked, I'll just grab your cunt instead!

Misery Business - a nice tight bearhug where I hoist you up and then drop you into a series of 3 cuntbusting inverted atomic drops. Your misery is my business and you look fantastic with your back arched and your eyes crossed. This could absolutely finish someone off, but most commonly I just like to leave them in a moaning heap with it.

God Save the Queen Guillotine - I don't do a lot of flying moves since they're just an invitation to get dodged or have the ropes shaken so you slip and crush your pussy on the ringpost,but when I DO come off the ropes or more commonly just jump off a chair, table, or railing or sometimes just stand next to someone and jump, I like to use my thick tattooed thigh across their neck to take their fuckin' head off.

The Big Takeover - It's one of the better songs by Bad Brains, and THIS big takeover will leave YOUR brains in real bad shape as I get you on your knees, then plant my weight on both hands at your left side, swinging my long legs up to wrap my thicker toned milky thighs around your head, and torquing my hips to the side to drive your head and skull into the canvas, concrete or motel carpet with a side headscissors DDT!

• Submission Finisher: The Nature Trail To Hell - a jigoku-jime strangle, a judo hold where I vine my legs around one arm, secure the other with one arm wrapping your bicep, and then apply a choke with the inside edge of my wrist, reaching across your throat to grip my own belt and pour the choke on. You either tap out on my calf or you gurgle your way to sleep .

• Sensual Submission Finisher: The Long Kiss Goodnight - I get my opponent on their knees, then get in front of 'em, briefly on all fours like a wolf before I slide my legs back over their shoulders, fouring my left boot behind my right knee, and balancing my weight on one hand as I reach back with the other to get a fistful of hair and pull your face into my lush ass while I crush your neck between my brutally tight thighs. It's a great visual, totally humiliating, and who doesn't love a nice long kiss?

• Striking Finisher: The Renegade Interrupt - First I get ya doubled over, generally with a cunt punt because I am INCREDIBLY subtle like that, and then I get a bit of distance and come roaring back, bringing my knee up into the side of your face, right at the temple. William Regal called this the Knee Trembler, and I like that name, but I like being a fucking Renegade even more! This is a great way to shut someone up, too.

• Main Event Impact Finisher: The Vicious Punky Spike (or VPS) - a cradle, or Gotch-style, piledriver. I double you over, lace one arm over your ass and another under your hip, lock my fists and hoist you upside-down, show you off to the crowd and then jump and kick my legs out wide to drill your fucking skull through the canvas.

• Snap Finisher: The Mindfuck - a leg hook backdrop driver, often done as a sudden counter or OUTTANOWHERE as we say in Parts Unknown. I get behind you, sling your arm behind my head, hook your inside leg up high and LIFT you up like I am going for a belly-to-back suplex only to push you further back as I kick my legs out, dropping you on the back of your head and your neck.

• Nasty Finisher for Personal Fights: The Pearlkiller - Getting my opponent down on her back either on the mat or a seedy motel carpet or patchy backyard grass, or whatever, I use my left hand to pin her down, either by the thigh to open them or on her lower belly under the navel to apply a brutal belly claw (as taught to me @RedEnforcer), and then I bring my right hand up and CHOP it down full force right onto her fucking clit! Killing that pearl AND her chances at victory. I usually like my opponent naked for this one, so you likely won't see it in a TV pro match.

• Showtime Finisher for PPVs: The Psycho Killer - It turns out the Canadian Destroyer is done to death, so I have started busting out a straitjacket powerbomb instead - and for preference this is almost always through a table, or onto a ladder, or just off the ring apron to the unforgiving concrete. Your arms are crossed across your chest so you get no fucking way to break your fall at all.

• Sexytime Finisher:The Blitzkrieg Bop -Basically I get you into the corner, beat you down to your ass with double axehandles to the top of the head so you are slumped against the bottom buckle, and then I turn and show off my amazing strip club skills by popping my hips to beat you senseless with my creamy punk ass prior to smothering you senseless in it. Not every promoter lets me do this one, admittedly - but the fans fucking LOVE it.

• Fuck-You Finisher: The Psychodriver - Stolen wholesale from retired wrestler Super Dragon, after I told him that if he complained I'd show up at his fucking house and do it to him on his car windshield, this finisher involves me hoisting you up in a torture rack, usually parading you around and tormenting your fun bits with one hand, then swinging you over and dropping to my perfect ass to spike your head into the fucking floor with a Torture Rack Piledriver!

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Start of membership: 2021-08-06